The Eulogy My Wife Will Read at My Funeral
In life, Chuck’s main passion was making people laugh with the tales he wrote. He decided that when he passed on, he wanted his life to be measured not by his accomplishments, but by your laughter. So he prepared this final work for me to read in his wake.
Thank you family and friends for being here. We have gathered to honor the memory of Chuck. Anybody gathered here at the wrong funeral by accident, can slip out quietly now while everyone is paying attention to me. Because this speech was prepared by Chuck in advance of his death, he predicted that he would be the first man to die by choking to death on an academy award, though his actual cause of death may vary. Chuck was truly brilliant, funny, caring, and brilliant. He was also very much alive. More alive than anyone I ever knew. Now, he is dead. But he will live on. He will live on through his children, through my memories, through his writings, and through the magic of cryogenics. Chuck's final wishes decreed that his body be frozen, so when techonology allowed, he would be rivived, live another full life, and be the second man to die by choking to death on an academy award. Perhaps a eulogy isn't supposed to be written by the deceased, and perhaps a eulogy isn’t supposed to be a string of unrelated jokes written in poor taste, but Chuck really didn't care about things like that. In fact, Chuck probably didn't care about many of you gathered here today. What Chuck cared about was making people laugh. Some of his jokes became lifelong projects for him, like the Chuck for Pope campaign. Other times he’d start to tell a joke, but wander off right in the middle and make himself a sandwich or something. Usually turkey. Oh how Chuck loved turkey. In fact, he was frozen with a turkey, just in case turkeys become extinct before he’s revived. When you go home today, you should try to remember his humor, and try to forget the money he owed you. Thanks again for coming, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the salad bar.