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50 Ways to Skin a Cat


50 good ways to skin a cat
a compilation of helpful suggestions.
written for jessie: because she'll laugh and that's what matters!
also written for my cats: tempt not.

1. knife.

2. shard of glass.

3. small explosives.

4. teeth.

5. the power of prayer.

6. can opener.

7. unzip from neck to navel.

8. set a series of short-term easily attainable goals, resulting in skinned cat. accomplish goals.

9. peer pressure, "all the cool cats are getting skinned"

10. whittle it off.

11. give cat post-hypnotic suggestion to get skinned every time it hears the phrase "is it hot in here?" later, say phrase.

12. rent instructional cat skinning video, study carefully, and apply what you learn.

13. tell cat pleasant tale about a young boy who loves fruit. while cat is distracted by story, quietly, gently remove skin.

14. use your super samurai slice action!

15. try the classic 'toothpaste tube' method.

16. centrifugal force.

17. suddenly and severely frighten cat. try sneaking up and clapping cymbals.

18. marry cat. divorce cat. take cat to court for half of skin. (repeat for full skin)

19. allow cat to evolve beyond need for skin.

20. huff and puff and blow his skin off.

21. offer your own skin in trade. welch on deal.

22. vote yes on proposition 98. (the cat skinning law)

23. procrastinate. wait until it's almost to late. promise to skin cat tomorrow. forget. (this method works for me)

24. find a way to make cat so angry that it's skin falls off. (this method requires much persistence)

25. if in a horror movie, dream about cat getting skinned. wake up to discover cat was really skinned!!

26. try some sort of skinning machine.

27. change definition of skin to mean "read" and change cat to mean "this sentence"

28. press cat's eject button.

29. travel forward in time to sometime after you've already skinned cat. get skin and return to present time. triumph!

30. remove tab a(skin attachment) from tab b. (get it? tab b... tabby. never mind, this is way over your head)

31. next time you're cleaning 'accidently' use your powerful new suck-o-lux vacuum to remove cat's internal organs.

32. ask nicely to 'borrow' skin for just a moment.

33. dare cat to get skinned. if that fails, double dare it. finally, as last resort, triple dog dare it.

34. approach cat with scissors, assuring it you will only be doing some minor alterations to it's skin.

35. run in the opposite direction at the speed of light. (nobody knows why, but it works)

36. wait until opposite day and then don't skin cat.

37. write screenplay containing scene where cat gets skinned. get screenplay produced. perform skinning scene.

38. next time cat removes skin to clean bones, swipe!

39. invite cat to play strip poker. cheat.

40. destroy entire universe except for cat's skin.

41. simply click your heels together three times and say "there's no cat like a skinned cat"

42. tie one end of string to doorknob, other end to cat's skin. slam door.

43. wait until cat gets stuck in tree. call fire department to rescue it. tell them "only rescue the skin part"

44. lie and say you already skinned cat. grow to believe lie.

45. perhaps a clever skin inspector costume might pull the trick.

46. accuse cat of murder. collect skin as evidence.

47. using a magnetic hypersonic resonance decapacitor, deplete invisible bond holding together cat's skin molecules.

48. flood the cat out of it's skin, in the same way you'd flood a gopher out of a hole.

49. set phasers to 'skin' and fire when ready!

50. let someone else do it.