First Public Speech
Plans to Better the World
Religion for All!
How to Serve Aliens
So What About Science?
Chuck Wins the Henry Bigular Award
What is a Pope-arang?
An Interview on a Speech Page? Why God, WHY!?
Is This Supposed to be Funny?
Did you say tethered to space?
Small, Lumpy, and Wooden
Chuck finds an important new way to contribute to society, as part of his community service hours.
This morning I am pleased to announce the ďChuck (Almighty and Unquestioned Future Pope and Eventual Evil Overlord) Whittling ScholarshipĒ which celebrates the unmatched beauty of small, lumpy, wooden carvings, by rewarding young artists with scholarships totaling $12.50 to further their educations. Qualifying students must show a profound interest in the art of whittling, and display qualities consistent with the high moral standards of the whittling community. Each student will submit a sampling of whittled carvings, as well as a 20000 word essay on ďHow Whittling Has Made Me a Better Person Than Everyone ElseĒ, which will be carved on a large block of wood with an Olympic quality #7 style whittling blade. Five finalists will be selected and transported to Whittlewood, Washington for the final judging. There they will stand before a panel of judges composed entirely of angry Cuban farmers. They will then compete in the Great Whittle-Thon, a grueling 48 hour whittling battle in which only one contestant will walk away alive. So kids, start whittling now, and remember say no to drugs!
Read and obey.
We live in a world plagued by plagues, war, famine, pollution, and the undead. These oppositional forces that we face are only growing stronger day by day, and quality of life on planet earth is plummeting. Rather than work towards creating a better world for our children, or even slowing the rate of decay, it should really be our focus to destroy the planet and all itís forms of life in an attempt to eliminate the inevitable suffering future generations will know.
Sure it may seem blasphemous to want to undo Godís glorious creation, but as Pope everything I do is automatically Godís will. So I prayed for God to kill us all, but he said ďChuck, Iím just sitting down to dinner, call me tomorrow.Ē Christian scholars have deduced that one God day is like 2190000 people days, and I just donít have that kind of time. And, despite common conceptions, omnicide is not an simple task.
I considered many different methods. Nuclear devices, Bio-chemical weapons, or Louie Anderson, but none of these have the oomph Iím looking for. Then it hit me! An asteroid. Iíd never been hit by an asteroid before, but it dawned on me that an asteroid might be just what I needed.
I needed a way to draw an asteroid out of itís trajectory and into our atmosphere, but where could I get a source of gravity that powerful? Then another asteroid hit me and I realized what I needed. Iíve tethered Louie Anderson into space just a few hundred thousand miles beyond the atmosphere, and set him spinning on his axis. Unfortunately I misgauged the sheer sucking power this could create, and as it turns out any asteroids caught in his gravitational field will plummet directly into him, and as he gains mass he will create more gravity, drawing more asteroids. See the cycle? Eventually he will collapse upon himself in a beautiful stellar display which will delight and amuse all who witness it. As massive clouds of gas escape his body, the sky will illuminate and for a brief period there will be light on the whole earth at once. As mankind shares this single beautiful day, it will create the perfect opportunity to set aside our differences and make world peace a reality. Then Louie will crash back into our atmosphere, in a huge fiery ball that will consume our entire oxygen supply in about 12 seconds. Those closest to his entry point will explode, those furthest away will suffocate to death over the next several minutes. Triumph!
More Proof of Chuck's Sanity and Worthiness.
As Pope, it will be my duty to defend my followers from persecution by our enemies. Here is an unabridged list of our enemies:
Philip Genoine, Leftover, CA
Flipper the Dolphin
In the face of such adversity, it may be best to follow our basic instinct and move to a small cabin in the woods, taking along a healthy supply of feral cats and Arsenic Brand Fruit Punch Beverage. But we'd hardly be a religion if we didn't try to drag everyone else down with us, so I've produced the following recruitment video which we will all now watch complacently.
[Transcript from Pope Chuck's Fantacism is Fantasticism! Recruitment Video]
Welcome to the Rolling Acres Tiny Underground Compound. No doubt your life until now has been an endless stream of misery and loneliness. If not, you're probably just remembering wrong. Either way, you'll find no misery here, only hours of uplifting mindless toil. Our schedule, while strict, is designed to be enjoyable and enriching. We'll wake up early and start the day with an appetizing breakfast substitute. After that we move outside for morning exercise, which includes a nature walk out to Mount Pleasantsmell, followed by several hours of invigorating sulfur mining. Soon it's back to the compound for recreation time. These happy families that you see riding horses, sailing, and square-dancing can only dream of the great fun you'll have during Rolling Acres recreation time, which involves refining sulfur ore and reducing it to a powder. As the day winds down, we gather to socialize, share our faith, and package sulfur powder for export to Asia. So, now's the time! Join in the next 20 minutes and receive a suite in our recently renovated Radon wing, featuring sub-army grade cots and a recently installed toilet.
I've also produced several other videos, Pope Chuck's How to get Washboard Abs in 5 Minutes by Sending Me Cash; Pope Chuck's Funniest Historical Religious Bloopers; and Pope Chuck Presents Frightening New Uses for Common Household Objects That No Person Should Ever See. Thank you and good day.
Chuck's first televised interview went so poorly that he staged
this one to replace it. Enjoy!
Smithy Smith reporting.
I am speaking today to a young man who has spent his entire life struggling against self-defamation and rude people. Climbing quickly through the ranks of power and fame, he recently nominated himself as a candidate in the upcoming election for Pope of the World. Known only as Chuck, he granted me an interview on the grounds that I bring a gallon of milk for him. I brought 2.
Smithy: Good afternoon Chuck, itís a pleasure to meet you. I think many people want to know what made you decide to run for pope.
Chuck: Well actually Smithy, it wonít be afternoon for another twelve minutes.
S: Oh, what time is it now?
C: How should I know?
C: It began when I was twelve, and dreamt about a talking goat. The goat
told me to beat up my parents and run away to Lebanon. I said okay, but
the first bus to Lebanon wasn't available until a week later, and that gave me
time to think, "Maybe I could be pope and wear that kick-ass hat."
S: That doesnít really make much sense.
C: I see.
S: So howís the campaign coming along?
C: Itís a fictitious campaign created for my own amusement, and you donít exist, either.
S: What will be your first act as pope, if elected?
C: I will reincorporate the lost idea of religious mascots. The God-Loverís Club mascot will be Bucko the Man in a Giant Beaver Costume.
S: What improvements do you plan to make to the Popehood while in office?
C: Extra syrup!
S: Does it bother you that most of the voters see you as insane, and actually fear you? Do you think this might be related to the nearly daily assassination attempts against you?
C: Does it bother you that you have a carrot in your ear?
S: A what?
C: A carrot - oh never mind. Iíve skirted the question successfully.
S: That you have, sir. That you have. I think a lot of your followers want to know a little more about you personally. What are you like outside of the public eye?
C: I spend most of free time meticulously bathing and grooming my hamster "Mr. Wifflebat". I also enjoy foreign films, baking, and ultimate fighting.
S: Well thank you for your time today, Chuck, Iím guessing the interview is over by the way you keep slapping me.
C: Sweet dreams, milk-man!(Runs out door)
Chuck gave this speech in Butterworth, New Jersey, at the Kick-A-Cow Festival. The speech was so well received that the festival was immediately closed and disbanded so that all in attendance could go cast their votes.
Good afternooon. Please sit down.
My major purpose as Pope is to make the world a better place. Now I don't accomplish this by living in a secret PopeCave, popping out occasionally in my jet-powered PopeMobile to fight crime on the streets of the Vatican City with a deadly arsenal of weapons including, but not limited to my Frying PopeRay, Heatseeking Pope Stinger Missiles, and my Pope-arang. Instead I use good old fashioned brain washing. Of course it's not called brainwashing anymore, god no. I refer to it as Pope Chuck's Mandatory Conformity Training and Positive Reinforcement with Free Donuts. Since the implementation of this program I have seen drastic changes on a global scale. World Wars are down 100% from 1943. Gang wars have been replaced by gang chess competitions. And even my pet duck Bumbly seems to be a lot happier lately. Conformity is like a warm blanket in a cold, cold place. Of course you could move to someplace warmer, but why would you? You have conformity!
And now I will recite a poem.
Conformity, My Friend (With Root Beer at the End)
Conformity, my friend,
I wish I could be you,
But since I can't,
At least not in this lifetime,
I'll try to mimic your every action,
Until you hate me,
And try to kill me,
And I'll mimic that too,
Thank you and goodnight everyone.
Chuck's acceptance speech for the Henry Bigular Award for Most Promises Made in a Single Campaign by a Male Pope Candidate in 1999.
I'm truly thankful and gratified to be accepting this today. I promise I'll
keep it somewhere special. (pause for laughter) I'd like to thank everyone who
made this possible. Me; My campaign manager, Mr. Whompy; My local grocer; Jeff, the phone boy; My wife; My dog, "Poison Meat"; and the countless speechwriters who died for my cause. All six of them. With the exception of Mike, who has not yet died, but did in fact lapse into a coma before finishing the tentative version of this acceptance speech. So in... wait, it has just been brought to my attention that Mike too has passed on. Mike, where ever you are, we'll miss you down at the Pope Campaign Station. Your witty comments, your used chewing gum placed loving on our chairs, and that old yellow shirt with the blood stains from that knife fight you had. You were a genious speech writer, and beyond that you were a true friend.
Here's another stupid speech.
You are the people. Not just that man there with the funny moustache, but all of you are
the people. I didnít start this campaign as an excuse to wear The Pope Hat and look like a
holy phallic symbol. Iím not doing this to cover my amassment of an army of Yap dogs
and Dirt monkeys. And I certainly didnít create this campaign for my own amusement. Iím
in this for you. The people. And Mr. Moustache there too.
It seems I wake up everyday and the world has gotten just a little sadder than when I fell
asleep. Sometimes itís big like a plane crash or a political scandal (not, for example, the
one I was involved in), or sometimes closer to home, like a pile of writhing duck carcasses
on my front lawn. So what is the problem and what is the cure?
The problem is in front of your very eyes, right now. You see it when your pet cat walks
around, and perhaps starts making cute noises. You see it when objects fall from the sky
and land on your neighborís stupid head. Itís there when you canít open your pocket
knife. Itís in the air you breath and the other air you eat.
Itís called physics, or less specifically, science.
So where does science come from?
Did it fall from space? Is it a by-product of bat guano? Or did I just make it up for this
No, science, in fact, is Godís original set of commandments. Thou shalt not fall upwards.
Etc... Blah blah blah. And more and more today people are disobeying these rules that
were set down tens of years ago.
My point is, as Pope it is my job to enforce the laws of physics, and other areas of science,
like chemistry and biography.
All violators from this day forth will be slapped for minor infractions, or for more serious
incidents, slapped twice, and set ablaze, and called an unpleasant name such as ďRudy the
IgnorantĒ in a public area.
I will now answer some of the most common questions I receive about science.
Where can I find a convenient booklet with all the rules of science, written in a pleasant,
easy to read typefont, for only $4.95 ($6.95 Canada)?
ďChuckís Rules of Science for the Complete Ass Like YouĒ is now on sale in most major
Isnít science the same wonderful presence that brings us fast cars and ice cream?
And codeine too!
Did your speech writer just die?
Yes, he was struck by an anvil.
Thank you and goodnight.
After the next 6 speechwriters died immediately upon being hired, Chuck cancelled all his
scheduled public appearances and locked himself in his basement, emerging periodically
only to sneak down to the corner store and purchase some milk.
On 27 October he came out of the basement with the following speech in his hands.
Fellow humans, I come to you today, not as a candidate for Pope, but as a potential major
religious leader. As such one of my most important duties would be to represent Earth to
visiting space aliens. Of course that raises the question, are there really life forms outside
of Earth? I feel that God in his infinite wisdom, would never do something so blatantly
stupid, but we must be prepared for the possibility that they do exist, are extremely hostile,
and can turn invisible at will. Also they could be here by Wednesday. So I have prepared,
and am going to present, the speech to greet our eventual alien masters.
Fellow aliens, although Iím sure you donít understand English, I imagine you have
brought some sort of advanced alien language translator devices, and are at least getting
the gist of what Iím saying. I will also use wild hand gestures throughout my speech to
help illustrate my points.
Despite your hideous appearances, we gladly welcome your race to Earth, and invite you
to stay as long as you like. Though some of you may be selected to be tortured or killed
for scientific studies, most of you will be allowed to roam freely around the planet. If you
plan to become permanent residents, I highly recommend taking all efforts to look and act
like humans, to include abandoning any religion you might have and converting to the God
Loverís Club. Your inability to convince us that youíre exactly like us would likely be
interpreted as a sign of inferiority and your kind will face prejudice and bigotry for
centuries until we find a species to feel superior to together.
Again, welcome, and donít forget to visit our gift shop.
After several thousand unremarkable speeches, Chuck made this noteworthy speech on August 14th, 1999.
Ladies and gentleman, thank you for coming out today. I'd like to speak to you today about a very important topic, religion.
Amazingly I have spoken very little about religion. As Pope I intend to combine all religions, whether they like it or not, and form a new universal religion which I will call "The God Lover's Club".
In the GLC, sinning will be much more difficult than ever before. Anything that is considered a crime by the law, will no longer be a sin, so as to eliminate double punishment for the same act.
Also, anything that is fun, such as coveting your neighbors house and wife, and premarital sex, will also be allowed.
"Now that I'm sin free, what do I have to look forward to in the afterlife?" you ask. Chuck's Eternal Joy Palace (Formerly Heaven) is your post-life destination, and it is really nice. We're talking 4 or 5 star hotel nice. You know all those things you hate about life? Traffic jams, undercooked eggs, crack addiction, sex-crazed sea turtles. In Chuck's Eternal Joy Palace we've taken out all the things that people don't want and shipped them to Oklahoma. We've also recently installed advanced security systems, for your safety.
There is a break in the speech, because my speech writer suddenly burst into flames. We extinguished him and rushed him to the hospital, where he was given massive doses of pain killers. He insisted on attempting to finish the speech, and it continues as follows.
I love feeling this beautiful pen. A magnificent writing utensil, it loves. I will take it with me to Florida, and we will live in a giant caddyshack, with our stylo kids of ages 9 and other 9. I have no need for reading when I have eyes like these, sweeto, you. If you truly are going to do this then maybe we should call it a night. I can't ourg. Niggle pip pip sower night. End of speech.
He later died of confusion.
Chuck's next speech was the very next day, at a park in Froggerville, Louisiana. There was a heavy media presence, meaning two really overweight reporters from Stamp And Envelope Collector's magazine were at the same park having a picnic.
Here is roughly how that speech went:
People of America, I am here before you today, not as a candidate for pope, but as a man on a mission. My mission is to make this world a little easier to live in. The world is jam-packed with problems, like death, hatred, glaciers, falling trees, hair loss, and jam-packs. What can we do? Many would say nothing, because it's the easiest and most correct answer, but I say that I can solve every problem in the world, just by flinging some bizarre solution off the top of my head. Let me show you.
Many people in the world live in terrible conditions, they live in houses made of mud and dung. I say we give them houses of our old discarded automobile tires. Everyone comes out a winner! Air and water pollution? No problem, we'll create some kind of advanced robot or something that eats the pollution and spits it back out in the form of precious metals and jewels. I've also got a cure for all the crime and violence that plagues society today, we'll simply make it illegal to commit a crime. Criminals will be scared straight! I'm sure there are many many more problems that need to be adressed specifically, but those are all problems I don't intend to deal with.
Now as pope, would I have the power and authority to fix these things? I don't know. I would guess not. Is that going to stop me from talking about these issues in my campaign speeches?
Well, I can't answer that because at this point in the writing of this speech, my speechwriter lost his last pen and couldn't find another one. Soon after, he died of ink poisoning.
Chuck announced his intentions to run for Pope of the World on July 3, 1999, after having a healthy portion of good old "Jesus blood". The details of that incident have not been discussed here, for legal reasons. That same day he made his first public speech in the men's restroom at Fightin' Mike's Meat Restaurant.
The following is a transcript of that first speech:
Good afternoon, ladies and others. I really love whatever town this is, and I support any
organizations that any of you may be representing here. Well, Iíve been running for Pope
for several minutes now, and the response has been overwhelming. Iíve already received
thousands of letters from people wanting to know how they can help me. Well the most
any one of you can do is simply to vote for me, but if you really want to help in my
campaign, there is much much more you can do.
For those of you who earn money, sending large checks or money orders is better than
doing nothing at all. I will use the money to buy massive amounts of advertising time on
every single television station in the world. All airtime will be devoted to shots of me waving at large
crowds of people.
Those of you who donít have money can send in valuables. Jewelry, golden paperweights,
property deeds, and young children are all useful.
My criminal followers are invited to blackmail, or even ďtake outĒ my competitors if
It has also come to my attention that since Iím definitely going to be the next pope, many
people are becoming curious about my views and opinions. I have always felt that there
are two types of popes. Those with views and opinions, and those without. And also those
with funny names. Here are a few funny pope names throughout history; Pope Innocence,
Pope Oppression, Pope John Paul II, Pope Mobile. Most people donít realize what a rich
sense of humor those Catholics have!
I'll have to end my speech here, my campaign speechwriter had only written this much, when
he suddenly died of malaria. Thank you, and goodnight!