So you have a problem.
Your dog is trying to eat you. You made a date with a guy, and you don't technically exist. You don't know whether to use a plural or singular verb. Just ask Chuck!
Here's an example.
Jeff, from St. Petersburg Florida asks, "Why is it so hot in here?"
Dear Jeff, You are most likely on fire. Try drinking some water, and panicking if symptoms persist!

Name: E-mail Address: From: Question:

NOTE: I will reply to all questions via e-mail, but they will not necessarily be posted. Allow 2-3 days for a response.

chris, from the middle of nowhere (not litereally), asks, "i by chance i wanted to get back together with my ex-girlfreind, how would i go about doing that?"
Dear Chris, Now I know nothing at all about your ex-girlfriend, but I have it on good faith that she loves gummy worms and novelty tins. I would buy her a Pope Chuck Heart Shaped Can O' Worms and send along a note reading something like "Dear Rebecca, Won't you please eat my heartworms of love? Love, Rebecca's boyfriend."

I are chris, of I are chris, asks, "about a year and a hapf ago i fell in love with this girl and then broke up with her( i dont quite get it either)after that she got another boyfreind and had sex with him. then i remembered i had forgotten i was in love with her, told her, she dumped him, came running back to me, and were still together now. i have considered burning off the testicles of teh guy who had sex with her with 450 degree grease from a french fry fryer, but, since you are the essence of holiness, i thought id ask your opinion first."
Dear I, Now you know this church has never condoned violence except when it's a) in the name of the church, or b)funny like an old person fighting a cripple or a clown fighting a comedian. Therefore, I cannot sanction your violence in this instance. If you really wish to improve your relationship you should go over to your girlfriend's house and just talk to her. Tell her how you feel about this, and why. Also, while you're there, could you maybe look under her bed and see if I left my pope hat there, I can't seem to find it anywhere.

Stinky McStinkerson, from of stinkyville, asks, “Well, dear chuck, we burnt our tree. Such a beautiful smell, but what do we do for christmas?”
Dear Stinky, Maybe you could mold a tree out of feces. Or go squat in someone’s house who hasn’t already burninated their tree. Or convert to Judaism. Or buy another one. Those are just off the top of my head. Look, you can’t use me as a crutch for every little problem that pops up, even if it is directly my fault.

Stinky McStinkerson, of stinkyville, asks, "I suppose you've already guessed my problem {the name and all} My town smells. I think it's something to do with the water. Tell me my dear chuck; do i work through the chain of command to fix this problem or should i approach the problem differently? My BO rests in your hands."
Dear Stinkoman, Burn your christmas tree. It's basically a giant pine scented incense. If you wait a couple days, I was going to come out and burn your tree anyway. I don't think there's anything that fire can't solve.

Lanny Acosta, from West Point, asks, "I am unemployed and live in New England, should hook back up with my really hot asian girlfriend?"
Dear "Lanny" (obviously not a real name), Your problem is surprisingly more common than you think. There are thousands of other losers out there just like you. They are unemployed, overeducated, Greek, and very very lonely. As Pope, I am really not supposed to associate with losers like you. Please never write me again.
Love,
Pope Chuck

Dan, from Virginia, asks, “I have a little brother who doesn't like to speak to me and my step-brother. We've tried spitting on him to get him to speak, but that doesn't work. What should we do?”
Dear Dan, Let me tell me you a story that might help you out.
Once there was a guy who’s little brother didn’t like to speak to him. The man tried everything, even spitting on him, but nothing worked. Finally, in desperation, the man wrote to Chuck and asked for advice, and as usual Chuck was able to solve the problem with wit and grace.
Do you see my point here? The magic is inside of YOU, not some stupid ring!

Legalguy, from The outer banks of the River Danube, asks, "If you are elected to be Pope, will you need a staff? If so, are you looking to hire? If so, can I send you a resume?"
Dear Legalguy, In fact there are many challenging, rewarding, and well-paying jobs available in our offices, but as has been the tradition of the church for the past two thousand years, we only hire Oompa-loompas.

Faithful Supporter, from Canada, asks, "Hi Chuck, Do you like spam? Also, have you ever read 'They Were Strong and Good'?"
Dear Canadian, Do I like spam!? Does an ostrich like midgets(Also, little people)(Also, leprachauns)!? Meaning, nobody will ever know for sure. Not me. Not you. Only me. Also, though I've never read this book you mention, I did once read Moby Dick, a tale about a porn star whale.

Silk, from Drasnia, asks, "If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?"
Dear Silk, This creates an interesting paradox known as the "You are what you until you eat yourself at which point the universe is destroyed" effect. But the universe has built in paradox buffers that would make it impossible for me to even attempt this feat. If I tried I would end up being struck by lightning or I would start singing a sad song and my mascara would start running. And those are nature's only paradox buffers.

Miss Bertha, from Back-Waters, Mississippi, asks, "Well, I've got this alligator livin under my front porch and I was wonderin how I might go about removin it. Also my goats been missin for a week now and I was wonderin if you had taken it."
Dear Miss Bertha, Rather than rid yourself of this friendly new ferocious beast, perhaps you could make use of it. Just install a trapdoor in the porch to rid yourself of unwanted salesman and keep the swamp lizard well fed. As for the goat, yes I have it and I'm keeping it and you can never have it back again. At least, not in goat form.

Mervin, from Baja California, asks, "Chuck, I voted for you. Now I'm stuck at an airport being threatened with a salami and a coat hanger. Now what?"
Dear Mervin,
Shut up.
Love,
Chuck

Young Sweeny the Fluffy Wombat, from The Peaceful hills of Gongswannaland, asks "If I were to be definistrated would that cause any long term health problems?"
Dear Y.S. the F.W., What with today's frighteningly safe medical technology, almost nothing you can do will affect your long term health in any serious way. In the short term, however, a serious case of definistration may cause halitosis, fleecing, improper English, or may induce a bad hair day. I suggest planting a dummy of yourself and sneaking out of the window for a quick pint until the whole mess is finished.

David Carritt, from England, asks, "Hi...I have a problem. It seems that I am the only person with any manners in this world. On a recent visit to America I simply asked for a knife and fork in a "Burger Bar" and they laughed me out of the building. Is that reasonable? No. Can you please have a word with that ghastly nation and inform them that manners and good grace cost nothing. Thank you."
Dear Dave, Knowing full well that you are "the only person with manners in this world", you can't expect a bunch of mannerless buffoons like us to understand the comlexities of needing a knife to eat a hamburger. And in case you were wondering, America traded away it's good manners hundreds of years ago in exchange for Freedom of Speech, which we later traded for a chain of "Burger Bars".

Bob Weavil, from the UK, asks, "What causes old ladies who live in thick carpeted flats to spontaniously combust so often?"
Dear Mr. Weavil, The answer is moths. When they can't find a flame to flutter around, they make one.

Fortoes, from a desk with scrambled eggs, asks, "If you had a chance to ask Chuck any question, what would you ask?"
Dear Fortoes, If I could ask Chuck anything I would ask, "What the? Aren't you? Huh?"

Billy-Bob-Jo the Trombone Snatcher, from Somewhere in Texas, asks, "You know that new movie that came out, about somebody ruining Christmas? Does that green thing in it really exist? Sometimes is resembles Jim Carrey. Is that just a coincidence?"
Dear Mr. Bob-Jo, The green thing is commonly refered to as a "fern". While ferns have been speculated on for centuries by the world's top scientists, there is presently no evidence to support their existence. Also, you're obsession with Jim Carrey seems excessive and unhealthy, although he was excellent in that movie about the pirates who became taxi drivers.

John Labonte, from Crystal River, FL, asks, "How do I keep the mormons from coming to my door every sunday. I've tried everything. I bought a goat that I keep by my front door, I painted my house black, I hot boxed my house with pot smoke invited them in while I dressed like them. What would Chuck do?"
Dear John, Your method is good, but Mormons have learned to expect rude outlandish behavior. They are immune to it now. A fresh approach is needed. I greet them with a warm smile, and some iced tea. Before they can go into their be a mormon speech, I hit them with a be a jehovah's witness speech. I pull out the "Witness" magazines left by previous religious fanatics, pointing out key graphics. Finally, I drop this line "I have spoken to god personally, he told me you'd be here today. He told me you needed to hear this. He even told me you'd been a bit constipated and I should slip some stool softeners into your tea."

Um i forgot, from Lost in OK, asks, "What do i do when some of my friends start developing animal fetishes. You know cows and goats and the like? Please help me help them."
Dear Robert Tressider, Only someone living in Oklahoma would find that several of their friends have begun to take a shine to other species. My advice, wave a bible in their faces, pointing out that sodomy is wrong, and Hell is their fate, and that the bible has to be right, because it says so in the bible.

KT, from, mmmmmmmm, asks, "Is fyuck really a word?"
Dear KT, I found the word you seek, defined in Pope Chuck's Holy Collegiate Dictionary. It reads, "Fyuck - n. Any word found only Pope Chuck's Holy Collegiate Dictionary"

Emma Wu, from some place in South Carolina, asks, "which one was the spiritual beatle, john or george?"
Dear Emma, Most people never knew that George Harrison is in fact a devout Muslim. In fact, he recently had his name changed to Akheem Habop Habopalop. The other three Beatles were Wiccan high priests and did not have cute Muslim names.

Annie, from Massachusetts, asks, "Are you just making this stuff up...or are you really an idiot?"
Dear Annie, I don't get many responses from antiobsequiators, so your letter was a pleasant surprise. Let me start by saying that God is infinitely large. That is approximately the size of an infinite number of breadboxes. He created for himself an infinite universe in which to reside. In a universe as this, all possible actions occur at all times. My point being, yes I'm making this up, and I'm an idiot, but also, I'm not and I'm not.

Jillian, from Holiday, Florida, asks, "I have recently started growing taste buds on strange parts of my body....for instance, feet and armpits.....What should I do???"
Dear Jillian, My advice; avoid sewage work.

Mr. Harold Q. Sheepslapper, from, Stinkyville, OK, asks, "Ok, I'm ashamed to admit this, but...I...just can't stop...LICKING DEAD CATS! I've tried everything I can think of but I just can't help myself. The neighbors are starting to wonder why I cough up so many hairballs and I'm having trouble getting rid of the bodies. What should I do?!"
Dear Harry, Your problem is typical of men your age. These symptoms usually stem from a tramatic childhood event, possibly other children teasing you, by calling you names such as "Dead Cat Licker!" or "Little Miss Pants Be Gone" or "Captain Cat Licker". Assuming you never went on a therapeutic killing spree, then it's likely that this is your way of coping. I would buy a trash compactor for the bodies, and wait the problem out. Also, you should start taking your clothes to Pope Chuck's Holy Dry Cleaners.

Chuck(Chuck's Dad) from, Out there Somewhere, asks, "I have a megalomaniac son who is a professed agnostic yet has some twisted desire to have people "vote" him to the most honored religious position in the world. And he has this wierd thing about goats. Should I have him committed? I am in fear for his family."
Dear Jerk, Obviously you're understanding of the world around you is severely distorted, or at best retarded. People who are communist or libertarian or whatnot will still run for president of a democratic system. Why? Better pay! But also because that's how changes get started. Anyway, I don't have megalomania, I have paranoia, I don't have twisted desires, so much as sick needs, and I don't have a thing for goats, it's hamsters.

joe HICKS, from Halifax, MA, asks, “Where can I get plastic surgery cheap?”
Dear Mr. Hicks, Mr. Anowart Grolligrog, a minister in the God Lover’s Club, is your answer. He performs a technique called “The Freaky Touch”, which is our answer to faith healing. Rather than curing diseases, Mr. Grolligrog corrects what years of people beating your face with blunt objects has caused. His power changes your looks into that which Chip, the god channeling through him, considers to be perfect. Specifically, the looks of Alex Trebeck. His services are available to the public for free, and he can be found most often in the dumpster behind Fightin’ Mike’s Meat Restaurant.

Leigh, from Florida, asks, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Also, how do you become agnostic?"
Dear Leigh, Chickens and eggs both evolved from a common ancestor, called the "Moroccan Willy Death Bird". This was a small flightless creature that laid itself. Hope that helps. Also, agnostics are elected based on their amazing good looks and superior intellect.

Flippy Furwinkle from Chugwater, Florida, asks, “Ok, I replaced the coolant system on that cow. That bastard mechanic charged me $400 for having to make it a house call and $4000 for parts and labor. Now that stupid cow is wandering around my front yard, eating my house, and the neighbor's kids. Now the neighbors are REALLY starting to ask questions. As if that's not enough, the cow's owner is trying to charge me with stealing the cow AND with the murder of Hanson. What the hell do I do now?”
Dear Flippy, I would say it’s in your best interest to file a complaint against your neighbor in Cow Claims Court, for the cost of repairs. I would bet that the $4400 is not worth the cow to the neighbor, so accept the cow as a settlement. Sexxii_69, from the previous advice entry, needs a cow. Trade her the cow for her gerbils that she is trying to rid herself of, and use the gerbils to replace your neighbor’s lost children. And no judge or jury will convict you for murdering Hanson.

Sexxii_69 from Ohio, asks, “How do I get these goddamn gerbils out of my fridge? They keep drinking right out of the carton!”
Dear Sexxii_69, Gerbils are usually easy to deter with small explosive devices. Also, you probably should not be buying milk in carton form. I suggest getting a whole cow.

Nameless, from St. Pete, Fl, asks, "Chuck, josh doesn't know what his middle name is. what is it? and how many times do you hit your head on a jug hanging from the ceiling?"
Dear Less, Josh's middle name is Ear. And about the jug, it's the same type question as, "How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?" which is 3.

Rick, from Florida, asks, "Why in the hell are you doing this kind of stuff chuck?"
Dear Rick, I see you aren't seeking advice, but I will tell you why I'm running for Pope, and hopefully you'll learn something anyway. When I was six, my father sat me down and said, "Son, why did you try to microwave your little brother?" And on that very day, due to an unrelated incident, I decided that I would be Pope.

Jen, from Smackover, Arkansas asks, "Dear Pope C, My stupid roomate listens to crappy music, like Hanson. What can I do to get her to stop and not get arrested after the fact. Oh. She also can't keep her hampsters in her own room. What should I do?
Dear Jen, Kill Hanson, frame your roommate, and donate the hamsters to the local college science lab.

Flippy Furwinkle,from Chugwater, Florida asks, "My neighbor wouldn't get his damn cow out of my parking spot for about three weeks now. It's been sitting there for the past three weeks, leaking this blue oozing liquid. Not only do I not have anywhere to park, but the neighbors have been asking questions. What should I do?"
Dear Flippy, This is surprisingly more common than you might think. I'm assuming this is an Ayrshire cow, and the blue liquid is a leaky coolant system. Chances are, your neighbor CAN'T move the cow! A little methyl alcohol into the main coolant tube should act as a temporary fix for the problem until a professional repairman becomes available. Once you can move the cow, I find the best way to keep people from borrowing my parking spot is simply leaving a bed of nails and armed guards while I'm not there.

Chris Thomas, from, Auckland, New Zealand asks, "Have you ever felt the urge to paint your walls with melted cheese and rub your naked body against it?"
Dear Chris, What exactly are you seeking advice about here? All I can think to offer is - I swear by Velveeta.

Jenn, from St. Pete, FL asks, "My twin brother has a web site, but he refuses to put me on it. What should I do? PS. Why is my boyfriend always naked?"
Dear Jenn, Mission accomplished. As for your "boyfriend", maybe try stapling rags to cover his body, or maybe just tell people "He's not a naked man, so much as a highly evolved parrot!"

Cornelius Flibble III, from Tampa, Florida asks, "Let's say you wake up one morning to find out you're a goat, what would you do?"
Dear Corny, First let me say that is a truly stupid question. But if I woke up as a goat, I would get a sex change, and impregnate myself, so I could produce and sell my extremely tasty and valuable goat milk.

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