How to Tell if Your Pope is a Dud!

Electing a Pope is an important decision, and to be sure you arenít getting screwed, here are some common factors to judge your pope by. And letís not forget, the bible even says "Judge everyone. God does, and you should too"
1. Height. Only tall people make good popes. As we all remember Joe Pesci was a terrible pope. (Great actor though, loved him in the movie about the taxi driver that became a pirate)
2. Comic-book like super powers. If the pope canít shoot lasers from his eyes to stop a giant monster from destroying the Vatican, then what good is he, really?
3. Omniscience. Of course this is hard to judge, because someone can claim to know everything, maybe even legitimately believe they know everything, but if there is something they didnít know, how would they know?
4. Brand of soft drink they endorse.
5. Odds of winning according to Vegas. Those guys in Vegas are never wrong!
6. Skin color. Of course, I'm not talking about race, rather jaundice. Good popes have jaundice.
7. Lingo. An effective pope will employ certain key words and phrases such as "Sweet Jesus" and "Holy Crap" to convey religious devotion.
8. Flow. Gotta have Flow.
9. Wrist strength. It is vital for the pope to have a powerful dismissive wave. Also must use the dismissive grunt "Bah!" well.
10. Culinary talent. Failing at all other tasks, it's important to be able to say "He was a god-awful pope, but hooo-weee he sure could fry an egg!"
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